Adulting is Hard: Building and Maintaining Friendships
It often feels like talking about friendships, as an adult, is kind of…lame.
You should have yourself together by this point, right? Surely you made all your friends before you were 18? Shouldn’t you be focusing on your love life, or maybe on professional relationships?
As a big advocate for community and platonic relationships, I genuinely believe that friendships are necessary for a fulfilling and whole life. Yet, it is alarming how much we either take the existing friends we have for granted, or simply cast aside the importance of seeking out friendship.
I love having friends. My close friends have uplifted me in my shining hours and in the darkest nights I have ever experienced. They’ve given me access to resources, people, opportunities, perspectives, experiences, and love that is simply incomparable. Beyond making friends that ‘look good’ or kind-of-sort-of make sense because it just happens to be convenient, I’m talking about the deep, intentional relationships that has the power to completely transform your life.
Those kinds of friendships.
Key Summary (TL/DR):
Why friendships are necessary
The threat of loneliness and social isolation
Cultivating intentional friendships as an adult: top tips
Why friendships are necessary
Friendships can have an immense impact on your overall happiness, health and wellbeing. There’s something special cultivated in friendship - they increase your sense of belonging and purpose, reduce your stress levels, and can encourage you to avoid unhealthy lifestyle habits. There are also a number of other reasons why having solid friendships improve your quality of life.
People with strong social relationships have a 50% lower risk of death from all causes.
The presence of a best friend buffers against the traumatic effects of a negative experience.
Having friends around you can help with making positive, logical decisions in life.
Contrary to popular social narratives which can emphasise the self-made, every-person-for-themselves narrative arc, or even some of your past experiences with others, friendships are vital. Friendships are worth being pursued, especially for those who are seeking to become the best version of themselves.
The threat of loneliness and social isolation
The unspoken threat to society and your personal wellbeing is loneliness. Social isolation and loneliness is linked to a number of physical health risks, such as substance abuse, high blood pressure, and cancer.
Loneliness was linked to higher rates of depression, anxiety and suicide.
Loneliness and isolation significantly increased the likelihood of premature death.
Having no friends may be as dangerous as smoking, a study revealed.
Having friends in your life is a critical way to ward off the effects of loneliness. Being around people you love, trust, and have built an intimate relationship with, can improve your wellbeing and even life expectancy drastically.
Cultivating intentional friendships as an adult: top tips
Pursuing and maintaining friendships in adulthood is often trickier than it sounds. When we were younger, we often had the opportunity to see our friends all the time. In school, at the park, at playgrounds, birthday parties and more. We also didn’t have the pressures of adulting bearing down on the ties of intimacy that were strung back then.
Now, it feels like a struggle to pin down anyone for anything. A coffee has to be booked at least a week in advance, and it’s hard to get anyone to answer their phones anymore. People are moving away, getting new job roles, building families, and all of a sudden, making friends seems like quite the squeeze.
Squeeze, you must. One of the most common regrets for folks over 50? Not nurturing good relationships. It’s better you get a head start now, than find yourself in a position when you are much older and not as able, to nurture those relationships.
Building Friendships
Pursue your hobbies and interests in public: Whether you have a low-key interest in running, going to concerts, or you’re a big foodie - start by pursuing these interests in public. Share on social media, or join communities and clubs which require you to be
Ask people out: Asking people out needn’t be reserved for romantic dates! It’s okay to reach out to people you think are cool, or perhaps have been an acquaintance for a while. Ask them for something chill, like a cup of coffee, or even an activity, like bowling or
Check in on your people: It’s as important in the early stages of friendship to check in, as it is in the maintenance phase. When trying to build intimacy, be present and try to drop a text, call or some kind of message to show that you are concerned with their wellbeing. It also demonstrates that you are thinking of them consciously.
Maintaining Friendships
Make regular time to connect and interact: It’s the obvious things we don’t do the most easily. Making the effort to spend time with friends is essential. It might be a weekly, monthly or quarterly hang out, depending on your commitments. It might be an annual trip. it might even be a regular text message. Whatever it might be, commit to it, and do it.
Be open to feedback: Complacency and familiarity in friendships can often be the greatest killer of relationships. No-one likes making friendships feel like work, but cultivating intentional opportunities to reflect and provide feedback is necessary to know how things are going. Do you feel safe, comfortable and supported in your friendship? Can you be sure that your friend feels the same way?
Express appreciation: Give your friend their flowers whilst you still can. Sometimes we forget how necessary it is to affirm and celebrate the people around us. Be intentional about celebrating and partaking in their wins on a regular basis.
Respect boundaries: Things change, people change, and priorities change. With change comes new boundaries, and expressing as well as respecting boundaries is so necessary to maintaining friendship. It demonstrates a commitment to respecting and supporting your friend through a variety of different seasons of their life.
Here’s to investing more time and intentionality into some of the greatest people who impact our lives - our friends.
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That’s all from me this week folks. As ever, if you found this useful, feel free to share Optimise Me with a friend.
Let’s all become better humans.
-RK
Extra Resources
Audio:
Visual:
Book:
Lonely Less: How to Connect with Others, Make Friends and Feel - Gill Hassen