Delayed Gratification: Winning the Fight Against Your Impulses
How to live a better life through exercising patience and self control
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The Marshmallow Experiment
In 1972, an extremely popular study was published later known as the ‘Marshmallow Experiment’, during which the researcher offered a deal to several children. He placed a marshmallow on the table in front of each child, and told them the following:
He would leave the room, and if the child did not eat the marshmallow, he would give the child a second marshmallow when he returned.
If he returned and they had eaten the first marshmallow, they would not get a second.
One marshmallow now, or two marshmallows later.
When the researcher returned after a few minutes, he had found that some children had eaten right the first marshmallow right away, some children had waited initially and then caved, and others managed to wait.
A seemingly innocuous study - but what was interesting was what happened to the children as grown ups.
The children who had managed to wait and receive the reward of two marshmallows, ended up having lower levels of substance abuse, lower likelihood of obesity, better responses to stress, and better scores across the board in a number of life’s most important arenas.
The children in the original experiment were followed for decades after, and this continued to be the case even 40 years beyond the original study.
💡 Delayed gratification is a critical skill for success in life.
Mastering the discipline of delay
Discipline involves creating a code of conduct for yourself, in alignment with your values. It pertains to specific behaviours you have decided to enact in order to reach your goal.
Delayed gratification is a form of discipline - it involves saying no now to win later.
It’s becoming increasingly difficult to say no in everyday life. As we hurtle faster into the modern world, it appears that everything is geared towards the fast.
Get the body you desire - now. Eat the food you want - now. Get the 1 million dollars - now. Find the partner of your dreams - now. Not realising that ‘now’ is severely hampering your capacity to win later. The thing about later?
Later will come.
If you try to get the body you desire now? Chances are you’ll crash diet, and end up worse than you were before.
If you eat the junk food and order takeout consistently? Chances are, you won’t get the athleticism, body, energy or self esteem you crave.
If you try to get the million dollars now? Chances are, you won’t build anything of legacy, and either get scammed…or do something a little bit morally dubious.
If you try to find the partner of your dreams now? Chances are, you might not be able to really understand any ‘red flags’ and overlook any fundamental incompatibilities between you and the person.
Master saying no now to say yes to a better future. Here’s how to do that practically.
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1. Make the Vision Clear and Specific
There is absolutely no point in enacting discipline, when you aren’t particularly sure what your vision is.
It’s not enough to make ‘a lot of money’ - how much do you want to make? Knowing that you’re trying to save your next £1000 is easier to remind yourself when you’re about to go online shopping, rather than some undefined and random goal of ‘making more money’.
It’s not enough to want to ‘want to be a better person’ when you’re in the middle of an argument with a loved one - you need to remember that emotional regulation and desiring to reduce lashing out is the name of the game.
Write down the vision, and make it plain.
⚡️ ACTION: Ensure you have written down the vision in a clear, specific way, that can be easily accessible in times of need.
2. Start With the Small Stuff
Start small. You don’t have to be a master of delayed gratification straight off the bat. Breaking down your goals into smaller, more manageable daily tasks, for example, is a great way to start.
Here’s a snapshot of my 2022 goals. Breaking them up into daily actions and weekly actions, made the overall goal so much easier to enact.
For example, my aim was to limit engaging with social media in the early hours of the morning, because I know it interrupted with my creativity and focus. I set the small task of delaying the gratification of checking social media until 10am. This year, I’ve ramped it up to 12pm, and also have my phone on DND until 12pm too.
Start small, start daily, and build the muscle of exercising delayed gratification.
⚡️ ACTION: Outline some easy, small daily actions you can take which help you to practice delayed gratification regularly.
3: Automate Your Decisions and Behaviour
I am a huge advocate for automation. Discipline doesn’t have to be hard and depend on you making the right decisions, all the time. Sometimes you can set yourself up to win, by implementing systems or processes which take the thought element out of your actions. I’ve personally found that sometimes, it becomes so much easier to be disciplined when I don’t give myself room to make a decision on a daily basis.
For example, when it comes to eating well and working out, I’ve thought about the process.
I need to be in the gym, after having prayed and meditated in the morning, by 7.30am. I also know that the meal I have the night before, dictates how well my workout goes in the morning. As much as it would be nice to have had a takeout and sleep late, I set alarms on my phone which warn me that it’s time to get off social media and prepare to sleep. I also have a meal prep, which I prepared earlier on in the week, on deck when it’s dinner time.
Automation and preparation - I cut out the thinking. I use systems and processes to make it easier and less taxing to get what I need to do, done.
⚡️ ACTION: Create a process which removes the ‘thinking’ out of discipline - outline the steps you will take
4: Eliminate Temptation and Use Positive Distraction
We all have our weak spots.
I am weak, not strong.
Admitting that has helped me immensely. It means I know my limits and boundaries. For example, I know that having chocolates or sweet things in my pantry makes it very hard to avoid, especially when I am on the follicular phase of my menstrual cycle. I track my cycle, and make sure that these items of food are not available during this period. I don’t fight with myself, or hope for the best - I eliminate them.
The same can be said for many other temptations. If you’re trying to eliminate pornography, then maybe you should make it very difficult to access by installing blockers on your devices. If you’re trying to curtail excessive spending, speak to your bank about what spending limits you can use with your accounts.
Eliminate temptation, and implement positive distraction. I use music, working out, journalling, speaking to friends on long walks, settling down to focus on a task, as great ways to stop focusing on the behaviours and things I am trying to indulge in.
I am weak, not strong.
There is wisdom in admitting, and planning around, your weaknesses.
⚡️ ACTION: Try to eliminate sources of temptation which make it harder to delay gratification, and introduce positive distractions to take your mind off indulgence.
💡 Re-Cap:
Make the Vision Clear and Specific
Start With the Small Stuff
Automate Your Decisions and Behaviour
Eliminate Temptation and Use Positive Distraction
💥 Extra Goodies
I’m listening to: It’s Time to Give it Up Sis: Hanging on to Toxic Habits, Overcoming Addictions & Coping Mechanisms
I’m watching: Delayed Gratification Will 10x Your Life - Sebastien Ghiorghiu
I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self - Aristotle