Lessons from My Childhood Bullies

What years of insecurities and low self esteem can teach us about our health and wellness

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What a title.

It’s so incredible the wisdom that hindsight can give you. Now, this is not to profess the necessity of experiencing bullying. It’s one of the greatest evils of the world that anyone can experience at any stage of their life. But one of the interesting things about the human experience, is how we can make sense of our painful past in order to inform a more meaningful future.

I’ve always been a little bit different. Quirky maybe – I was a really chubby kid, super aloof, quiet and distant. I loved many things, and I’ve always been a very strong ‘well-rounder’. It has always been easy for me to pick up skills quickly and easily. I had, and still do have, an innate passion for learning. I could read well, write well, sing well, play the piano well, cook well…the list goes on.

But my childhood memories are marred by the experiences of torment at the hands of my childhood bullies. I think pretty much up to the age of 16, I was always being tormented about something. Usually, it was my weight, but occasionally it was my level of attractiveness too.

I distinctly remember when, in confidence, I told a friend of mine about my crush on a guy we both knew. She snorted, looked at me, and informed me that he had actually called me ‘fat and ugly’ in passing a few days ago. Needless to say, I was crushed.

I remember when one of the popular girls in my class got everyone to stop speaking to me for a whole week – all because I did really well on a test and had given her some pointers when she asked me about it.

There were regular slights too. You know, the laughs when I was eating at lunchtime, or when I wanted to join in during PE (physical exercise class), or whenever I had a snack in between classes. For a long time after, it was incredibly painful to reflect on these memories. In fact, many of the issues I dealt with in adulthood stem from these experiences.

But as I get older and continue to reflect, as with anything, there are many useful takeaways. And, as with anything, it’s the things sent to break us which end up being the very materials used to make us.

TW: The article mentions mental health, suicide and depression. Do feel free to read one of my other articles if you find any of the content distressing. Sending lots of love! ♥️

Lesson 1: You Can’t Build Your Life on the Opinions of Other People

People can be mean. That’s just the way life is sometimes. There were points were I genuinely contemplated suicide. I remember coming home from school and thinking about the most effective ways to end it. Maybe overdosing on some pills in the medicine cabinet. I tried it once but it didn’t quite work. I self-harmed a couple of times too. I still have a few cuts along my wrist to remind of the headspace I was in then.

When you build your life and self-worth on what people think of you, you’re already setting yourself up for failure. The opinions of people change like the four seasons – for a few moments the sunbeams on your skin the moment you step outside. But sure enough, winter settles and the piercing cold cuts deep in crevices in your body that you weren’t aware could get that cold.

That’s how quickly and how extreme opinions about you can change. You need to find some kind of internal resolve to keep you going in the height of the sun and amidst the darkest of nights.

💭 Reflection: Reflect on how much you consume/ allow the opinion of others to dictate how you feel about yourself. Do you find yourself feeling more positive or negative, based on interactions with other people? Do you need to limit your exposure to specific people, content, or even social platforms?

Lesson 2: You Need to Find Healthy Ways to Express Yourself

Life is hard sometimes.

Many of us turn to unhealthy ways to express what we are feeling on the inside. Drugs, alcoholism, sex, work - you name it. My unhealthy addiction was always food. I loved food but got into space where I developed an eating disorder. I remember binge eating to comfort myself, but feeling so ashamed at the amount I ate that I would restrict myself the following day or try to throw up. Other addictions included overworking myself - I always felt the need to validate my worth in my academia, or in the work that I produced.

Eventually, I channeled my energy in a more healthy way – writing. The writing was always it for me. Man, I could journal! I wrote poems and listicles and stories and all sorts. In fact, the reason I’m so short-sighted is that I would spend all my time writing stories in front of my rusty desktop.

It blossomed into other things. I started going to the gym, not to lose weight but to get stronger. I learnt how to bake, I hiked, I started reading more fiction books. I spent more time with my family. Having healthy hobbies and prioritising time with those who genuinely care for you is a great way to ensure you are focusing on yourself, and what really matters in your life.

💭 Reflection: Do you have a go-to way in which you express yourself? Is it healthy? If you find yourself in the throes of an addiction, check out my article below to help you kickstart and embrace healthier habits.

Overcoming Addiction: Reclaiming Your Self Control

Lesson 3: Hurt People, Hurt People

Compassion and sympathy taught me this.

This is not to excuse the actions of any bully, but more so a means to understand what were the contributing factors. It’s easy to create images of who we think people are by virtue of the context we engage them in. It’s easy to see a bully as precisely that – nothing more than a bitter, malicious bully.

But sometimes when I go on Facebook I see clues which give me insight into the fullness of the person behind the image. I feel an overwhelming sense of pity and compassion. One of my bullies had lost their father around the age she had been so mean to me. And, perhaps her response to trauma was to cause trauma for others. What a vicious circle.

From understanding comes to closure. Once you understand something, it’s easier for you to let it rest. For a long time, I couldn’t understand why people wanted to cause me pain – was it something about me that just wasn’t like everyone else? But it wasn’t. Everyone goes through it. We just channel it differently. Sometimes, we cause others more pain as a result of it.

💭 Reflection: In what ways can you be more compassionate to those who are around you? How can you extend an olive branch to those who may have hurt you, but did not necessarily intend to?

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Going through pain sucks. It really does — but at the very least, upon reflection, your life is imbued with an important story to help others with.

That’s the spirit and light I look at my recollections in.

When you get to a place where you can look at your pain but no longer feel it, it’s time to teach others to do the same.

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💥 Extra Goodies:

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.”—Oprah Winfrey