An Introduction to Emotional Intelligence: The Foundation to Holistic Development
Why Emotional Intelligence is just as important as a high I.Q. for a happy and fulfilled life
Being emotional is a flaw, the people say.
For decades, societies have upheld reason, objectivity and logic as the pinnacle of human progression. Human emotions have been discarded as untrustworthy, unregulated and useless tenets of human experience.
But is that really true?
Emotions are defined as complex states of feeling which result in physical and psychological changes influencing thought and behaviour.
The further and further we hurtle into the future, the more important it is that we learn how to master human emotion. After all, the overwhelming majority of us simply cannot escape our emotions. More importantly, neither can the people around us.
Beyond your own complex feelings and behavioural states, emotions have toppled regimes, started wars, initiated mass restoration, and left an indelible mark on the history of humanity as we know it.
It seems more pressing as something to master when you consider it in this way.
The world cannot be run on IQ alone - holistic, optimised development requires a focus on emotional intelligence too.
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the capacity to understand, process and use your emotions in positive ways. It means you are able to manage your emotions in a way that allows you to succeed in communication with other people, behave more intentionally, and connect more holistically with all parts of yourself.
Becoming a more emotionally intelligent person involves a few core principles, which I’ll be diving into and providing some practical tips on how to strengthen your EQ.
Summary of Key Points:
Self-awareness
Self-regulation
Responsible decision making
Relationship-building and empathy
Social skills and awareness
Self-awareness
Self-awareness involves being aware of the different aspects of the self, inclusive of your traits, behaviours, and feelings. Emotional intelligence begins with an awareness that your emotions exist, and begins in earnest when you are able to attribute meaning and significance to these feelings.
Many of us are left at the mercy of our bodies, feelings and attachment styles when we are unable to accurately articulate what we are thinking and feeling.
Self-awareness begins with articulation. What do you feel, and when? You may want to journal, take walks, or meditate in order to find a way to express how your feelings affect your countenance. You may even want to confide in a friend, mentor or counsellor to help you identify what experiences may trigger highly specific emotions and feelings for you. You can use the emotion wheel below to help you.
Self-regulation
Self-regulation is the ability to manage and monitor your energy states and behaviours in a positive, responsible and healthy way. Once you’ve been able to identify specific triggers, or emotions that arise in a given context - self-regulation involves that bit of time you give yourself to choose how you want your emotion to manifest.
Sometimes, we can be caught off-guard, and instinct or semi-automated behaviours in response to specific emotions can be detrimental. For example, when feeling overwhelmed in response to a deadline, you may be prone to completely shutting down as you allow your anxiety and apprehension to hijack your body. Self-regulation would allow you to identify these emotions, and rather than shutting down straight away, you’d be able to actively work against the learned behaviour to press on with your work.
Some techniques you can employ to self-regulate:
The 5-4-3-2-1 technique: The moment you feel an onslaught of emotions taking over your body, focus on counting down from five down to one, and then make a decision how you’d like to act. This interrupts the processing speed from emotion to unhealthy learned behaviour.
Breathing techniques: I find this particularly useful when aggressive, negative emotions like anger threaten to overwhelm me. I focus on the sound and feel of my breathing to ground me, feel the anger sweep over my body before deciding on how to behave.
Find your secret place: When you are feeling a negative emotion, mentally channel a positive memory or experience in order to inhabit the positive emotions you felt at the time.
Responsible personal decision making
Responsible decision making means you take a careful, measured approach to coming to conclusions on the things and people around you. Rather than simply focusing on logic and more ‘objective reasoning’, using your emotions can help you make more complex decisions with more confidence and ease. Once you have gotten into the flow of self-awareness and self-regulation, you can use your emotions to make decisions about your present.
For example, if you find yourself feeling anxious and panicked when you’re asked to present in public spaces, your awareness and regulation of these emotions can help you to decide to tackle these personal issues through coaching and therapy. It may also allow you to decide to take the risk and seek out more opportunities to present in public to increase your comfort in doing so.
Relationship-building and empathy
Perhaps one of the most fruitful, useful outcomes of developing your emotional intelligence can be evinced through the relationships you have with other people. Understanding yourself and the way emotions are felt in your body, can positively impact the way you interact with other people. It increases your understanding and empathy towards others you may have harboured ill-feelings towards.
Schedule check-ins with friends and family: Make it a habit to schedule check-ins with close friends and family. This can be done in person, on the phone, or on video chat. Make it a point to discuss emotions - generally, towards each other, and towards the things in your life.
Offer emotional support: Where you have capacity, offer emotional support to your loved ones. This may involve lending a listening ear, providing advice, acknowledging that you understand what they are going through, or offering to assist them with whatever may be burdening them.
Learn conflict resolution: Conflict resolution involves driving negative or controversial communication to a resolved ending. Try to be solution-oriented when having conversations or even arguments - what is the best way to neutralise the conflict in a way that both parties feel heard and respected?
Social skills and awareness
Beyond improving your relationship with those close to you, emotional intelligence is necessary to help you navigate social situations and understand social cues.
Make a note of non-verbal communication: Roughly 55% of human communication is nonverbal. Emotional intelligence means being aware of these cues and accurately interpreting them. Watch what people do, rather than what they say. They might be assuring you that they’re having a good time, but if they look withdrawn, tired and downcast - it may be a cue to call it a day and ask if they are well.
Repeat what you heard: Clarifying is the best way to avoid miscommunication, and allows you time and space to absorb what others are saying. It will also allow you to listen, as well as better understand the flow of conversation and how to respond to it.
It’s all in the tone: How are the people around you saying what they’re saying? Delivery is just as important as what is delivered, and there are layers.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s Optimise Me. I’ll see you again soon. Don’t forget to like or comment if anything here resonated with you - share with a friend too!
Let’s get those EQs up.
With love,
-RK
Resources
Audio
Visual
Reads